Gar (pseudo-nightmare)

I started off in a van, trying to catch a flight. I forgot everything I needed in another suitcase, which I had not brought with me. I was panicked and trying to phone people to help me, which I was sure I was going to miss my trip. Somehow, I either spent the night in the parking lot at the airport, or I drove back and returned. The flight no longer mattered for some reason. I think...there were nice people at the airport who helped me? I don't recall ever actually getting on the plane.

Then I was looking for fishing poles at a store. Dad and my sister were there, and a Japanese family. They were tourists, and we were in an odd version of my hometown. The poles were picked over, and I could feel mounting pressure from my family to hurry up and find a pole - they were going to make fun of me. I could feel anger welling up inside - it was important that I find a pole with a reel on it, and not a fly-fishing pole! I finally found an acceptable one, and told everyone to be quiet about it.

We drove behind the college to Lake Banet - but it was not Lake Banet. I've dreamt of this version of Lake Banet before - it's large and primordial.

"Tell them the story of the Horror," Dad said.

"Well, legend tells of the Horror, who has lived in this lake for over two-thousand years..." I began, getting out of the van. I took my pole to the sandy, foggy-water shore. There were no cattails or rushes, which did not strike me as odd. My plan was to catch a small fish to show the tourists. I cast my line into the water, and after a short time the bobber disappeared and made a fast beeline for the side shore. There were no rushes there, which was puzzling, but I started to reel in the line.  I thought for sure it was going to be a small bluegill or perhaps a small bass, but as I pulled the line in the shape of the fish grew larger and larger.

"Oh wow!" yelled Dad. "Look at that!"

I pulled an enormous gar to shore, taller than I was and fat. It was ancient - a prehistoric fish. It had no real fins, but was shaped like a giant eel, with aquamarine and green scales the color of recycled glass and as wide as my hand. As I pulled it in, I saw that my hook was embedded in its upper mouth.   I was relieved and happy about this - it meant that I could easily remove the hook and let the fish go. I twisted the line and brought the gar over to my family and the tourists, letting the fish swim lazily in front of them. It twisted against the hook, opening and closing its mouth in frustration. and everyone laughed nervously.

"Go ahead, you can touch it," Dad said.
"Just be careful of the scales - they're as sharp as razors," I added.  The tourists giggled and stroked the gar's side. Just then the gar twisted on the line again, and several of its scales stuck out from its body like broken glass. It rolled away like a crocodile and swam with the line towards me, and I had to back up. Suddenly I realized that I was being edged backwards, away from shore. I could still touch the bottom, but the gar fixed and eye on me and continued to twist towards me.

"Uh oh, looks like he's figured you out!" called Dad.

The gar got closer, and I tried to back away from the razor sharp scales. I formed a "u" around me as I waded backwards further into the cloudy golden waters...

***

I heard myself whimpering from far away.

I woke with a start at 5am, frightened.

I have dreamed of this lake before - I don't know if it's here in the blog (I believe it is), but in my dreams the lake is named after one near where I live, yet does not resemble the lake at all. Giant, dinosaur fish swim in it. The last time I dreamt of the lake, the waters were clear and I could see the giant fish in it - even then it made me uneasy to look at them. There were also small mud pots and small steam vents.  This time the waters were different - murky, but almost lit from within and golden in color like sand that has been upturned in a current.

If you don't know what a gar is - here is a picture. 

Perspectives

I was in a plane/spaceship, by myself. It was dimly lit, and the interior was small but not cramped. The ship was going down. I knew this because of the pitch of the ship, but there really weren't any good windows around me. There were screens and gauges, but I was in the back of the plane. As the ride grew bumpy, I made my way back to the impact harness, which was composed of heavy beanbags in a small floral print. As I strapped in, I texted my Dad that I loved him.

I realized, just before impact, that I could be in the cockpit trying to raise the nose so as not to crash headlong into the unknown, but I didn't move. Too late, I realized. I felt the plane hit something, and then the "camera" panned out and showed a field strewn with wreckage at the base of a low mountain range. I was looking through a window, still in part of the wreckage. I could see a river in front of me, and plains of tall grey/green grass. Mountains ringed the area, and around the river bend there were low sandstone bluffs. And there was alien life. I saw strange animals that looked like a mix between a coyote, badger, and maybe some sort of lynx or rat, moving up the banks.

I climbed out of the ship and onto the ground, and got out my phone. My battery was dying. I walked around a little ways until I met the aliens. They were smaller than I was, bipedal, and they had withered grey skin and deep set black eyes.

I don't remember what happened here - I met them, but then they went away and I kept exploring? Then we met again and they took me to their elder, who I identified as some sort of shaman.

When he saw my phone, he said, "Another one who wonders." I could understand him because there were subtitles under him when he spoke. I wanted to ask him what he meant, but I understood that he would not answer me. He led me along the sandstone bluffs and through the grasses to a height. I looked down and saw my spaceship in pieces, scattered and smoldering. My phone lit up to say I was connected to wifi, and I immediately started recording video. I sent it to Stephen, because I knew he'd send it on to the right people.

The aliens (who in-dream I began to compare to Native Americans), walked with me through the landscape. I never saw where they lived, but I saw strange shapes in the sky that were not always birds. Then, at one point, I saw three planes. They were not like any planes I've ever seen - they had wings, and propellers of some sort, but their elevators physically swished like fishes' tails. They moved in a military formation over the valley, and started shooting lasers at something over the ridge. I realized it was my ship, and I took off running.

When I got to where my ship should have been, there was nothing left except for a bit of wire and some circuits buried in the sand. I was more suspicious than angry. How did such advanced technology exist alongside such a pastoral landscape?

"They come and clean up all the proof," said the Shaman. "It is the way." I looked to the distance, and all at once I could see a city a long way away, full of red and black cylinder buildings. What puzzled me even more was that, in a hazy middle distance between where we stood on the hilltop and the city, the whole world disappeared. In front of me was a desk, covered with keyboards and screens. It looked like a tidy, but crowded, workstation, like something from a government agency. It was giant compared to me, except I thought it looked normal sized.

I had a realization - this whole alien world was small, and I was small on it. The desk - the workstation was either where I was and I had shrunk, or the workstation was giant and the rest of us were normal sized. These aliens did not realize that they were small, that their whole existence fit into a crevice in the corner of a workroom. I turned around and the alien world stretched out before me, seeming huge. How could the perspective be so different?


----


The dream moved on, with me leaving the aliens on a sort of journey to the city. I rode a railroad through another miniature time, this one vaguely Germanic with candles and homemade goods. At one point I was at a garden show, and Amy Poehler and Will Arnett were showing off their wagon full of flower pots.

I did not reach the city.

Africa and (Captain) America

This dream was very intricate, and I know I won't get it all, but here goes:

I had a crew and we had an airplane, like a giant helicopter. The dream started with us getting in a helicopter and me trying to brief everyone on the mission. It was dark at a chaotic airfield. My pilot didn't really know how to fly, and I tried to help/watch and learn as he operated two sets of hand controls and a comically large brake/foot pad. The front of the helicopter was glass and sort of domed, so that the pilot and gunner sat in the bottom of the dome, and the rest of the team was on the bridge behind them.

I could see outside of myself, that we were not doing a good job. Everyone was tense, but not angry. More like bitchy - we were all getting fed up with each other in a long-term relationship sort of way. We either failed to take off, or sort of crashed back down.

I gave everyone a pep talk about doing better next time, but there was fatigue in the air.  It was raining now, and one of my crew (Jonathan A) was secretly very ill. He told me in an aside - there were a lot of quiet asides in this dream where dramatic conversations took place - and I was very worried for him. Steve Rogers was also there, and he was incredibly supportive.

Our commander - Richard Ryan the fight choreographer - gave us another chance. However as I climbed up into the belly of the plane/helicopter, I noticed that I was down a few crew members.
"Where is everyone?" I asked. My remaining crew told me they were sick or something like that. I felt my stomach drop out of me, but I tried to be brave. "Alright, I can fly it," I said.

"Really?" Asked one of my crew.
"Well, no, I'm not a pilot. But I'll figure it out." I sat down at the controls, and immediately the helicopter started bucking about in the bad weather. I did figure it out - sort of. The hand levers controlled pitch and speed, while the foot pad did something about turning. It was really complicated and I didn't know what I was doing. Still, we only banged into a couple of buildings before I finally got us above the base and in open air where I could afford to make mistakes.

But then all of a sudden we were over Germany. I don't know how we got there, and I was still not good at flying the ship. We hurled towards the ground, and I realized too late that we were just above the target we needed to destroy. It was this big barn thing with what appeared to be a giant, steep, ramp coming out of one side of the roof. Instead of blowing up this barn, I accidentally flew inside it and banged around like a toy.  We blinked out and found ourselves back at our home base. I was very confused because outside everyone was angry with us, but I thought we had done pretty well given the circumstances.

The next night, I came back to try for a third time. I felt very confident because I had found the target at last. But when I climbed into the belly of the plane, I found that the cockpit had been transformed into a series of cubicles. I couldn't get to the controls anymore. My crew was gone, except for Steve Rogers. He told me we were grounded. I told him - strongly - that I wasn't going to let it happen. Then I went to find the Commander. I told him we deserved another chance, that we had improved and I knew what to do now. The higher ups weren't willing to listen to me. I gave a big speech or something about doing a good job.

"Come with me. I might have a position for you," the Commander said, leading me away from the airfield. His secretary was with him, a beautiful lady. I was very worried he was going to try and make a pass at me, that I would get mistreated because I was a woman and I didn't know if I would say no or yes if he forced me to trade sex for the opportunity to fly again.

"You will go to Africa. Fly around the mountains at night and look for fires."
"Mountains?" I tried to explain that I wasn't much of a pilot to do something that complicated. He implied that I didn't really have a choice, but that I would get to keep my plane and that it was a good job. I felt giddy because he was on my side after all, and hadn't let me get fired.

I ran back to the ship, but my crew had left me. Except for Steve Rogers. He sat on the ladder with his pack and smiled. "I'll always have your back," he said. I was so grateful.

Now, amid all this drama, there was character drama sometimes. Someone - one of my crew members who might have been Jeremy Piven? - had asked me to marry him. I had my reservations, but it seemed like no one else was interested and so I said yes. Then I realized that I loved Steve, and he was the only one who was there for me when it mattered. So I was conflicted about what to do.

The scene cut to night in Africa. I had landed and was in a tiny room. I don't know how I got there. I had a bed and a table and the place seemed comfortable, if spare. There were noises outside and I was nervous. I was more nervous of the mosquitos - I really didn't want to get malaria. I climbed into my bed and shut the netting.

External shot of daytime rising on the plains. I woke up and made my way to a jeep. My house was surprisingly pretty, sitting alone on a blank sort of prairie. A dusty road wound in front of my driveway, and in the jeep Steve and I made our way to a big building that looked like a barracks. It turned out to be a church of sorts. The pastor was a Marine in a tan workout shirt, and the families were mostly caucasian, which I thought was odd. They must have been expats.

It was at this point someone pointed out that I was married, or engaged. Steve's shoulders visibly slumped, as though he'd been punched. I panicked because I was in the process of not being engaged specifically for him. I tried to explain it, but the service was starting. He did let me hold his hand, which somehow made it ok. The service was nice - militaristic and about duty and family. There were  children moving about, playing and passing around collection plates.

Then it got very weird. For some reason, what we had done back on that chaotic German run had messed up a timeline. Neither Steve nor I were supposed to wind up in Africa on fire patrol. The timelines had gotten all flipped around. The air sort of crackled around us as things started to warp at the incorrectness. Steve suddenly got very weak, like before he became Captain America. Then he was back, but it was like he was fluctuating. I grabbed him and carried him to the jeep, and our driver started driving to the hospital. I held him to me, even though he was bigger than I was.
"Don't you worry - I'll always have your back," I said.


****


Whew! Ok, so that was the bare bones of the dream. There was a lot of melodrama and dark comedy in the beginning. And I knew everyone, sort of, in my dream - like I knew Jonathan, and Richard, and  Chumly (from Veep), and we weren't really interacting but then we were interacting strongly. I was myself, but like many of my dreams I was mostly watching myself in the dream, able to hear my own  internal thoughts because they were my own (mind bending!). I don't remember who the guy was that I had hastily agreed to marry even though I didn't love him, but I have a vague feeling it was Jeremy Piven.

Captain America is easily my favorite Avenger, and Chris Evans might be my only celebrity crush at present. So it very satisfying to have a dream where we were each other's support. 

Waking Dreams

Over the past couple of weeks, I've had a strange uptick in waking dreams, or at least dreams that seem to center on me in my actual room or in my actual bed.

- In a portion of one such dream, a giant dragonfly/wasp creature was flying towards me. It wasn't going particularly fast, but I smothered it in my comforter. Then I woke up, and rushed over to the light switch so I could get a better look at it. It was about 2:30am. I realized that it was dark in my room at night, so how could I have seen the bug flying towards me so clearly? I went back to sleep.


- In the second dream a couple of days later, I dreamed a sprite was peeking at me around my curtain above my bed. I am not sure if I fully awoke for this to check, or if I dreamed that I checked. Because the dream was contained over my pillow, it's possible that dream-me checked or awake-me checked and I would not have been able to tell the difference.


- In the third dream, last night, I woke up believing that someone had magicked my pants to the ceiling above my fan. I stared hard at the fan, in complete disbelief. I decided I should take a picture since no one would ever believe me. Then I turned on my light, and saw that it was, in fact, just my fan. It was only 11:45 pm - I had barely been asleep for half an hour.


I haven't been making any grand changes in my life style lately. I haven't switched coffee, or started drinking wine at night. My sleep times have not altered. According to my sleep cycle app, my sleep patterns are a little erratic. I wonder what has been causing all this.

It would make a good short story, now that I see all three dreams written down. A progressively invasive sprite making mischief in an honest sleeper's mind...

Harbormaster

I was in a harbor, but the harbor looked like a set piece - fake and glassy.  There were boats docked around, and everything was pretty calm. I had to look over the ship manifests. There were a few cats around, big fluffy cats. I found one under the water, and pulled it out. It was waterlogged. I pressed on its stomach, and some water spouted out of its mouth. I pressed again, and worried that I would have to give the cat MMR. The cat coughed, and came back to life. I was relieved.

All around the harbor were steps floating on the water, like bridges. Walking on them was tricky.

There was a dispute between two families. A young couple wanted to be married. She was poor and the boy was noble. The father of the noble son said something disparaging about the girl's wealth, and the girl's father was insulted. They started shouting at each other, but the girl's family was near the dock and the boy's family was at the top of a tall staircase. I had to run back and forth to keep them appeased. I remember feeling overworked and slightly helpless, because while both families did as I told them, they were also not really listening to me.

I was frantically flipping pages on a clipboard, when S arrived. He said that he had spoken with the families, that they weren't angry anymore, and that everything was going to be alright. Then he held me for five full minutes, and I felt incredibly at peace.

---

I woke up feeling calm for a little while, before the worries of the day set in.

Having reflected on it, I think my dream setting was a muted version of that harbor city in The Neverending Story 2 - wow I haven't seen that movie in perhaps fifteen years.

Armor, War, and Whales

I was lounging on a riverbank (?) - I feel like there was a body of water around anyway. And scattered trees. It was sunny, around noon, and there was a picnic. I was eating and walking with a group of friends - I think there were two women and two men. There was another man, and I liked him very much.

There was a television or a computer - we were watching movies? There was something technological around us.

Then there was a pastel painting which was alive - or one of those painted decorative plates. It described the kingdom in which I lived, about how we had magic goats or the goats were symbols of our country. On the plate there was a king, and goats, and a rather pretty little forest and pasture scene.  The plate started to change, as did the scene. The goats started to die - it was an attack by a neighboring kingdom. The king would go to war.

There was a box I had to find, sent to me. It was my uniform - I had duties I needed to do. It was like waking up reluctantly. I opened the box, and pulled out a pair of harem pants, purple, and a burgundy overskirt. There was armor - dusty scale mail inlaid with red (or blue - I think it sort of changed to blue bubble shapes). I donned my armor, and my fancy hat, and the scene changed and I was in a sort of cathedral. The other people in my group were there, and we were presenting ourselves to the king. First the oldest two children - the high prince and high princess. I remember she had beautiful brown hair and a regal top hat offset on her hair. Then me - I was not a princess, but I had a title - I was a war commander, or a horse commander, but my title did not include commander. After me came the younger children - the other prince and princess. We bowed and vowed to fight.

There were horses and knights, moving through the cathedral which was also a castle now. It was maze-like, and I moved with authority.

Meanwhile (? - I'm not sure if this was still me, or another part of the dream sequence) someone destroyed the great aquarium. The great aquarium was a colossal structure of blue glass and blue water, stretching along the horizon line and hundreds of feet high. A woman stood on a cliff face and watched as the glass shattered. The great whale which lived in the giant tubular structure got stuck, and would surely die.The water cascaded out into the desert landscape. The woman turned to a man at her side, and they would go to war as well. There was chaos below.

I think I might have been below while things were breaking. I can't recall, but I feel like there was great shock and despair, and people were running around trying to figure out what to do. The man I liked was there? and we were trying to do...something...maybe were were looking at the fish and the whale...yes, I think we were enjoying the aquarium when it started to break.

Now, I had to fight. Armies were running around, but I got lost. The plates, which told the story I needed to follow, were difficult to understand. I had to find someone - RIGHT I remember now! I had to choose to fight the armies, or go after the wicked sprite queen who killed the goats. She was the mastermind, sort of. I chose to find her, but the plates didn't tell me how. They suggested I needed to run along the wall of plates, back to the start, to figure out where I was supposed to go to find her. Meanwhile, armies were moving through the halls of the castle.

I rounded a corner, and found the enemy in blue - or red. I remember feeling confused as to why the colors kept switching. There was a cheer as I found the first of the enemy - a toddler. This little baby boy sat in the middle of the hallway, dressed in little armor, holding a very sharp knife in his hand. He was waving it around like a toy. The other side arrived, and everyone watched and gossiped about what I would do. I approached the baby, and my side cheered that I would kill it, but they were also worried I would kill it. I crouched down by the baby and took a hold of the knife.

"Now then, why don't you give me that?" I cooed. The baby smiled and released the blade. Everyone laughed. I didn't know what I was supposed to do next, so I set the blade down and explained I had to go. I went back to searching for the correct story on the plates.


****

I really enjoyed this dream. There was a lot of movement, and the costumes were great.

There was a transition of sorts, from a technological era to a more primitive one - the exception being the giant aquarium.

I think, now, perhaps, that I was someone on both sides of the fight. My armor was red in the first, but then I didn't attack the blue-armored people when I saw them. I got confused as to who was who.

The plate thing was interesting - it was like knowing ahead of time what the plot was, but having the plot be difficult to locate. I remember reading these decorative plates, which would say "she needed to go to this hallway!" only to go the hallway and not find what I needed. Then I'd find a plate which said "She had to go to the dark woods!" But I didn't know how to get there.

Also, I know I am forgetting something about the people. There was a lot of talking, but I know I'm forgetting an interaction with one of the characters early on which was important. Such is the nature of dreams, of course.

End of the World (again)

I had another End of the World dream:

Out in space, there is a floating infinity loop object - spinning. It's white but also a little golden. A man (soldier?) reached out to touch the loop. I did not think this was a good idea, but I did not try to stop him. The loop changed shape, into a sort of D shape, and the star behind the shape started to grow big and glow.  I tried to warn the man not to mess with the object, but he touched it again. This time...I think it turned into a cube or a wooden block of some sort, but it changed again. This started the end of the universe.

The scene changed to a campus. A two or three story school with a science lab and chain link fence all around the outside. It was drizzling. There were soldiers - SWAT team style - in the science lab. Everyone was barking orders and hustling about, but there was an air of confusion. I knew I needed a Kevlar vest, and my kit. Outside, there were schoolkids, but there were zombies as well. Or something like zombies. I had to navigate the school, through hallways and around the fence. I did not want to be seen.

At one point, I distinctly remember getting exasperated by everyone else's fear. I found my cache of stakes - cherry wood. They were beautiful I thought - and I stabbed a bunch of zombies in the head. I was satisfied that I had thought to make the stakes ahead of time.

Then there was a horse and cart on a set of old-fashioned train tracks. The campus changed into a city, and the city was being evacuated because a cataclysm was about to happen. I ran and ran, and then I realized I had left my kit back in the science lab. I was frightened I'd get left behind. There was a lot of yelling, and I think my commander was making fun of me.  I hopped onto a cart and my team made it to the last spaceship. The men where yelling for everyone to hurry up. I begged for them to wait for me, and told them I had to go back. One of the men said ok, and I hugged him and thanked him and took off running. I rode another cart back, and took a car or a bus. I didn't have much time.

----


This time the end of the world was full of cliches. I've dreamt of the apocalypse as coming from Heaven, and of great sheets of fire or water, but this dream was full of military and zombie cliches. Except perhaps for that spinning white gold object from the beginning. That piece set everything in motion.

Also of note: Actor Merle Rooker and Actress Kara Thrace were characters in my dream - the former was at the end of the dream as one of the military leaders, the latter was in the science lab with the SWAT team.

Highland Disappointment

I was in a bucolic landscape which I deemed Scotland. The sun was setting, and the air was clean but slightly hazy, as though everything was just slightly out of focus. There was a large gathering of people, all getting ready to work. There was a man I liked, who liked me in turn.

I ran up a hill, and people laughed and yelled that I would be tired. But I didn't get tired. I charged up the hill in a chubby person's gait, yet I felt exhilarated. I tumbled down the other side of the hill and landed just shy of some mud. The man I liked (I never gave him a name), followed me down the hill, and landed in the mud. I laughed and laughed, and while at first he thought I was being mean, he quickly realized I was just happy, and he started laughing as well.

The group (I guess they'd be a Clan) kept moving, through fields of tall wheat. The sun had set and a bright night followed. I spoke with the Man in gentle conversation, and we were both full of flirty witticisms. Then the work began.

I was standing near some bleachers where two African American women sat. They were commenting on the Man, and how sexy he was. I agreed, and in a third person way I knew I was supposed to be jealous, or protective, but I wasn't. Work continued, and as I walked around I realized I was no longer in the Highlands. I was in a sort of dark warehouse, industrial. There were children's rooms - like a giant, abandoned children's daycare. The group was here too, but they seemed more concerned with moving forward than staying and working.

I found a young girl there - she was grubby looking. I told her we'd get some clothes for her, and started walking.

Not too far in the distance, I saw a lit room filled with a ball pit. In the ball pit were the Man and one of the women from the bleachers. They were having frantic sex with each other, and my stomach dropped down further in my guts. I turned and led the girl away so that she wouldn't see them. But the Man and the bleacher's woman saw me. She was unashamed, but got dressed when the Man did. They both followed after me.

The woman got confrontational, demanding to know if I wanted to fight, how nothing was her fault, taunting me about what she'd done. The Man did not apologize - he didn't want me telling the rest of the group.

I walked on in silence in total melancholy.


----


That's how I woke up - I felt completely defeated. This has got to be one of my least favorite dreams of late. Not a nightmare - no fear, no unease, just a profound sadness. I'm not sure which is worse, having wrote that. Perhaps waking up feeling depressed is worse than waking up scared, because it stays with you in a different part of your brain.

Why did my dream start of so wonderfully? And why did my subconscious betray me like that and leave me to wake up sad at my imaginary boyfriend, at a loss I've never experienced?